Unhelpful remarks

Frances B

I had Lung Cancer last year which was successfully operated on and totally removed.  Thankfully I did not need chemo and have concentrated on getting  stronger and eating as I went down to 7 stone.  Mentally still in a weird place but the fog is slowly lifting.  Last night I was devastated while listening to a slot about cancer I said how lucky I was not to need further treatment and my husband said "What do you know about Cancer?  You have not had it".  I was speechless.  What did he think I was in UCLH for and having 4 monthly checkups?   Can people blot out other peoples bad experiences because they do not like them?   I was furious  We have been married over 50 years and he  became a stranger who did not know me.  Very odd and very painful.  Has anyone else had this reaction?


Hi Frances, people just don't know what to say I find!! That is bizarre behaviour him just denying it. Did you broach it with him again? Personally I would try to tell him how you feel. Though I should imagine that he's in denial because that's his own way of coping. My chap doesn't like talking either. 

I've never had someone in denial to that extent, though I have had people totally blank me after my treatment. I think they feel guilty not supporting me enough and seeing me reminds them of this... but that's just me guessing. Who knows what goes on it people's minds sometimes?!

Frances B

Thanks Sarah for your comments.  I did ask my husband later what he meant and he just said he had become confused as to why I was in hospital which did not help much or explain his comments.

Yesterday I was reading about Parkinsons and dementia and many bells started ringing whilst reading about the first symptoms of confusion and agressive outbursts and then denial.  Looks as if I have a new problem to deal with and I am not looking forward to it.  Bizarre behaviour is a good description.  Thank you.


Hi there I am 2yrs 3months out of tnbc and new here and have emotionally crashed. Friends and family including my husband cannot see why I am feeling depressed and crying a lot. I have learned that no one but no one knows how anything feels unless you have been threatened by it yourself. Cancer does not just stop and go away even with remission and you are physically much weaker which lowers your emotional defences and I have very little capacity to deal with new emotional stuff on top. 
We never wanted this new world but we have it and it’s a work in progress x


Cancer is like a bomb being dropped into your life, and you can never “go back” to how it was before because it has been permanently altered. Over time you can try to rebuild what you can but it will never look or feel the same. Others will assume that after a period of time everything will just “go back to normal “ they don’t grasp that it is a new normal, and at times you will grieve for the old normal, the time before the bomb dropped. They lived through the time with you but the impact of the bomb is yours, they can safely put the episode behind them and the father away the diagnosis was the easier it is for them to think that everything is fine. Only you can decide how much to try to explain to them that you still carry the scars that were inflicted not just physically but emotionally too. That there will be times where it still feels huge. 

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